


How to tame a Marauder - alternative ending

by melian225



Series: How to tame a Marauder [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Breakups, Community: HPFT, F/M, How to tame a Marauder, alternative ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-14 15:45:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11211180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melian225/pseuds/melian225
Summary: Didn't like the ending to How to tame a Marauder? Well, I tried writing another one to see how it would turn out. I think it has holes you can drive a truck through, but that's by the by.





	How to tame a Marauder - alternative ending

**Author's Note:**

> September 1978

I got up, showered and changed, and somehow managed to Floo my way into work, not really conscious of what I was doing. I couldn’t even have said with any surety if I’d had breakfast, that’s how distracted I was. The truth was, that week was turning into every other week he was away. I tried to get through it without imposing on anyone else, but of course I was unsuccessful, which I discovered one morning when Celia, my boss, came into my office and looked at me sympathetically. “How long has it been this time?” she asked gently.

I looked up, hoping I didn’t look too drained or blotchy. “Over a week.” Nine days, to be precise, had passed since he’d picked up his rucksack again and headed out on assignment for the Order, and I’d heard nothing from him since. “Not a word. Nothing. I don’t even know if he’s alive or not.”

She pulled up a chair and sat down next to me. “I might be completely out of place, Laura, but you need to do something about this. You haven’t been yourself in I don’t know how long and your work is suffering.”

I sat up straighter and tried to pull myself together, at least outwardly. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better.”

“I’m worried about you,” she said after a pause. “I don’t know how to fix it, but something needs to be done. Can I talk to whoever his boss is?”

I laughed bitterly. “Dumbledore? Yeah, because that will make such a difference.”

She sighed. “I don’t know what to say. But your standard of work really drops when he’s away. We need to work something out to address that.”

“I’ll try,” I said. I couldn’t lose this job, I needed it if I didn’t want to move back home again. And I couldn’t do that, it would just be proof Dad had been right all along.

****

Four days later, the owl finally arrived. “I’m coming home,” Sirius wrote. “Everyone’s okay and it’s safe to open the channels of communications again. And I can’t live another day without you.”

It was always the same. He would come back for a few days, maybe even a week, and I remembered why I put up with it all the time. Those few days were so precious that they kept me going throughout the long separations. I would take whatever time off work I could and we would just collapse into each other’s arms, not knowing if this might be the last chance we’d have. And then, just as I was getting used to having him around, as I was becoming truly happy once again, an owl would come with another summons from Dumbledore, and he’d be off again.

“I wish I could come too,” I had said one time as he packed his rucksack yet again.

“It’s too dangerous,” he’d said, kissing me on the forehead. “And we need the contacts at the Ministry, we need you to stay there and keep an eye out for anything strange.”

“But it’s so hard. Being the one left behind all the time, never knowing if I’m ever going to see you again.”

“I know,” he’d said. “I hate it too. But it’s only for as long as the war lasts. Then we’ll have the rest of our lives to be together. Just us.”

After the owl left again, I hurried to the shower to clean myself up. I’d fallen into the habit of not really looking after myself when he was away – what was the point? – and wanted to wash away all evidence of this before he got home. There was also the matter of the flat, which looked like a tip ... dishes unwashed, clothes and shoes all over the floor, and newspapers on almost every surface, where I had thrown them after scouring them for any information about his welfare. If something bad had happened, it might have been reported on. No news was perhaps good news.

Fortunately magic came to my aid and both I and the flat were pretty much presentable by the time he got home. I knew there was always at least an hour between owl and arrival, because he had to go to Dumbledore to debrief before he could come home, so it gave me a bit of leeway. And when he arrived, when the door opened and he walked through it, dumping his rucksack on the floor, all the suffering seemed worth it.

“Laura,” he breathed, pulling me towards him. Pushing him away, I looked at him sternly.

“You don’t know for sure it’s me,” I pointed out, hating myself for delaying the reunion.

“It’s you,” he said confidently. “No one else smells like you. Not even Polyjuice Potion could replicate that.”

I smiled – this was why I loved him. “I missed you so much,” I said, throwing myself on him. “I hate being left behind like this, I never know if you’re all right, if you’re even alive.”

He buried his face in my hair. “If I could change one thing, it would be that rule about no owls on site. If I could hear from you, too, that would make all the difference.”

“If I could change one thing,” I said, “it would be to finish the war. Then we wouldn’t need to worry about it.”

He kissed me, and I relished the familiarity of it all, predicting exactly when his tongue would find its way into my mouth, when his hand would cup my breast, when he would start removing my clothing and lead me into the bedroom. Him being home was always worth waiting for. It was why I put up with the separations, the uncertainty, the nightmares that plagued what little sleep I had. It was what made everything worthwhile.

****

This time, he was only home for two days. Thank goodness it was a weekend, I thought, because it meant I could spend every minute with him. When the owl arrived, though, I groaned.

“They think they’ve found where Voldemort’s hiding,” Sirius said after he’d read the letter. “Dumbledore wants me to go check it out.”

“No,” I said automatically. “Say no. Stay. Please, it’s only been a couple of days, I can’t stand it if you leave again.”

He looked pained. “I have to go. If we can take him out, once and for all ...”

“But why does it always have to be you?” I asked plaintively. “There are other people he could send, Aurors, people with years more experience. Why does it have to be you?”

“Because James and I would be able to do it.”

I sighed. It was always the same. “I can’t live like this,” I said finally. “You being off fighting all the time, never knowing if I’m going to see you again. I can’t do it.”

He pulled me towards him. “It’s only temporary.”

“But how temporary? Another month? Two? Six? A year? Two years? Five?” I pulled away and looked at him, tears forming in my eyes. “This war has been going on for as long as I can remember. Who’s to say it won’t last our whole lives? And I can’t live like this, being the one left behind. Whenever you’re gone, I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I’m this close to being sacked because I can’t do my job properly.” I looked at him sadly, unable to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. “I hate this, being left hanging all the time. I want to live. I want to be happy.”

“But you are happy,” he said, looking concerned. “Aren’t you?”

“Only when you’re here. The rest of the time, I’m like a shell. And even when you are here, I wonder how long it will last, how long I’ll have you till you have to go away again. It’s like a time bomb, ticking away, and as soon as you walk out that door I fall to pieces again.”

“It’s not that bad, surely,” he murmured into my hair. I pulled away again.

“And how would you know? You’re never here.” I looked pleadingly at him. “Sirius, this is killing me. I can’t live like this for much longer. It’s too hard.”

“But I love you,” he said, a pained look on his face. “And you love me. Isn’t that enough?”

Tears pouring down my face, I looked at him and shook my head slowly. “I don’t know any more. Maybe it’s not.”

****

“How’s it going?” Mum asked at lunch the following week. “Everything okay?”

I hesitated. Why did Mum always know exactly the wrong question to ask? Or, really, I guess, the right question, if she wanted the truth. “It’s hard,” I admitted finally. “He’s been away almost a week now, and I haven’t heard anything.”

“Not even a message so you know he got there safely?”

I shook my head. “The protocol is no owls when you’re on a mission,” I explained for what felt like the hundredth time. “If there are owls going back and forth, the Death Eaters might be able to find them. It’s a security risk.”

“What about that mirror you told me about? The two-way one?”

“It’d be brilliant,” I said bitterly, “but James and Lily have that. And so it’s only of any use when James and Sirius are together, and I can get hold of Lily.”

“You’re looking pale,” she said. “And if I know you, the only reason you’ve got your hair back like that is because you haven’t washed it. And you haven’t touched your lunch.”

I looked at my still-full plate, the food taunting me as I’d pushed it around with my fork. “I’m not really hungry.”

“And haven’t been since he left, I’m guessing,” she said firmly. “Come on, Laura, you can’t keep putting up with this. It’s bad for your health.”

“But when he comes back ...” I began, letting the sentence hang.

“Is it really worth it? Is it really worth all the suffering, just for a couple of days?”

“The war’s only temporary,” I said mechanically. “It won’t last forever. And then we’ll have the rest of our lives.”

“The war’s been going on since before you went to Hogwarts,” she said sternly. “That’s half your life so far. Do you want to be thirty and still waiting by the door for him?”

“He’s worth it,” I said, not sure if I was trying to convince her or myself.

Mum shrugged. “Well, I won’t try to talk you around, but I do ask you to think about it. I hate to see you like this. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, I don’t want you to ruin it by wasting away.”

****

Martha looked worried when we caught up a week or two later. “You look awful,” she said.

I tried to smile. “Thanks, Martha. I love you too.”

“I mean it. What’s wrong?”

I sighed. “He’s away again. Fighting. Merlin only knows where, I’m not allowed to know.”

She looked confused. “But aren’t you in this Order, or whatever it’s called, too?”

“Yeah,” I said resentfully, “but I’m to stay here. Apparently my job at the Ministry is too important to have me out on assignment.  So I have to stay, while he’s off doing whatever it is they’re doing. Maybe he’s dead. I don’t know.”

“Wouldn’t they tell you? If he died, that is?”

I shook my head. “Having owls going back and forth compromises the mission. They leave all communications till the end. Even if someone’s died, they wait before they tell the family.”

Martha nodded sympathetically. “No wonder you look so bad.” I smiled weakly, realising that I had to look awful if Martha was this worried about me – she had always been the type to shrug things off. “How long has he been away?”

“Three days. Three days, four hours and – erm – seventeen minutes,” I elaborated, looking at my watch. “Not that I’m keeping count or anything.”

“How often does this happen?” she asked. “Him going off like that, fighting?”

“More often than I’d like. He’s away for a week or more, then home for a few days, then he’s off again. I think I got spoiled when we were at school, you know, with him being there all the time.”

“Lily’s not doing so badly,” Martha said. “I saw her the other day and she was looking much better than you are.”

“Yeah, well she’s allowed to go with them,” I said bitterly. “And even when she’s not, she and James have a two-way mirror they use. She can check on him any time she likes.”

Martha nodded again. “Whereas you’re stuck here not knowing.”

“I hate it,” I said vehemently. “I hate it. All I wanted was a normal life, and I’m more like an army widow. I can’t live without him, but because of this damn war I’m not allowed to be with him. It’s tearing me apart.”

“Are you eating?” she asked.

I looked pointedly at the plate in front of me, which I hadn’t touched since it had arrived.  I really should stop meeting people for lunch, I realised. “Does it look like it?”

“Sleeping?” she asked.

I shook my head. “Not really. And to be honest, you’re lucky I brushed my teeth today and had a shower. That doesn’t always happen.” I paused. “No one should have to live like this. Never knowing. It’s horrible. If I didn’t love him so much I wouldn’t put up with it.”

“What does he say?”

“He doesn’t like it either,” I said, “but he doesn’t really see an alternative. You know how hard it is to say no to Dumbledore. And he feels like he’s contributing – every Death Eater he brings in is a badge of honour for him. And you know Sirius. He needs to feel like he’s doing his bit. It’s probably about rebelling against his parents still, but that’s what he’s like.” I paused again, looking at her. I didn’t have a best friend any more, not since Mary had died; Charlotte had her own issues with Remus, and Lily wasn’t around to speak to. Maybe Martha could be my confidante.

“Can I talk honestly?” I asked her, a little hesitantly.

“Of course,” she said. “Weren’t you?”

I sighed. “Right at the start, when we got home from Hogwarts and Dumbledore started talking to us about the Order, Dad warned me it could be like this. He didn’t want me to move out because at least then I’d have someone to talk to when Sirius was fighting, and I wouldn’t get like this. And I laughed it off because, of course, Sirius and I were going to be together, whatever happened. I didn’t know I’d get this job and then Dumbledore would want me to hang around the Ministry collecting information. I thought that if Sirius was off fighting, I would be too.”

“That’s logical,” Martha agreed. “You couldn’t have known how it would turn out.”

“Exactly,” I said. “But now, of course, he’s been proven right. I’m stuck in that flat for days on end, by myself, not being able to concentrate or anything, not eating, not sleeping, crying because I’m just so alone and I’ve got no one to talk to about it. When I do sleep I keep having nightmares about him getting killed or tortured and me not being able to do anything about it. Then, during the day, I go into work because I need the job if I’m going to pay my share of the bills, and because Dumbledore tells me he’s relying on my reports, but I’m not doing a good job. Not with what I’m being paid to do, and not for the Order. I can’t concentrate on anything because I keep expecting to get an owl telling me Sirius isn’t coming back. And then Dad pops his head into my office to see how I am and I’m trying to put on a happy face because I don’t want him knowing he was right.”

Martha reached across the table and gave my hand a squeeze. “You need a friend, don’t you?”

I nodded, mopping my wet cheeks with a napkin. “And Mary’s dead, and Lily and Charlotte are dealing with their own problems. So you draw the short straw, I’m afraid.”

She hesitated. “You might hate me for suggesting this, and by all means tell me if it’s absolutely out of the question, but have you ever considered, well, leaving?”

I stared at her incredulously, not believing my own ears. “Leave Sirius?”

She nodded. “Look, Laura, you’re not coping, that much is obvious. And from what I can see the only way around it is either getting both of you out of the Order, or getting you out of this relationship. And, knowing Sirius, I think the second one is the only real possibility.”

“I couldn’t leave Sirius,” I protested. “He’s the only thing that’s keeping me going.”

“And not having him around is breaking you,” she pointed out. “Like I said, you’re not coping. Is it really worth going through all this?”

I stared at her again, not really taking this in. “It’s Sirius,” I said. “I can’t live without him.”

“This isn’t life,” she said gently. “This is existence.”

I shook my head. “I can’t leave him. It’s Sirius. I’d be better off cutting off my own arm than leaving him. My wand arm.”

She shrugged. “Forget I suggested it, then. It was just an idea, that’s all.”

****

The thing was, what Mum and Martha had both suggested kept coming back to me, making me think about it. The idea of leaving Sirius was almost more than I could take in, but even I could see that not having this worry and heartache all the time would make me more human again. Getting the owl saying he was coming home, though, pushed it from my mind with remarkable haste. He was coming home. Life was worth living once again.

However, he was only home for a day before the summons came yet again. This time, even Sirius looked annoyed. “Come on, give me a break,” he muttered crossly. “Just three or four days. That’s all I ask.” He shook his head irritably.

“Say no,” I said hopefully, looking over from the kitchenette where I was making a coffee. “Let someone else do it for a change.”

“It has to be me, unfortunately,” he said bitterly. “They want inside info on cousin Bella. Not that I can really tell them anything, I haven’t seen her in years.”

“Please,” I said, aware I was begging but not caring. My hands trembled as I put my coffee mug down. “Stay. I can’t stand it if you leave again.”

He shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, Laura ...”

I sat down at the table, crying. “I can’t do it,” I said after a while. “I can’t see you leave again like this, not knowing if you’re going to come back or not.”

“It’s only for a day or two,” he said, coming over to the table and wrapping both arms around me. “Then I’ll be back again.”

“You say that every time,” I said resentfully. “I hate Dumbledore. I hate the Order. I hate that they keep taking you away, before I’ve even had a chance to get used to you being back. I hate being away from you all the time and not knowing if I’m ever going to see you again. I hate searching the _Daily Prophet_ looking for hints on how the mission is going. I hate everything about this war.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again, kissing my cheek where a tear sat.

“Say no. Tell them you won’t do it. Stay with me, just for a week or two so I can remember why I love you so much.”

“I have to,” he said helplessly.

“No you don’t,” I shot back. “You said yourself you haven’t seen Bella in years. What can you tell them? You don’t know what she’s doing, you don’t know what she’s planning.”

“But if I can help ...”

“Screw the war,” I said loudly. “This is killing me. I’m not alive when you’re gone, I just go through the motions. I might as well be an Inferi for all the use I am to anyone. All this living with uncertainty – I can do that to a degree, but asking anyone to put up with this is too much. And I don’t blame you,” I went on hurriedly, “I blame Dumbledore. He’s the one putting the hard word on you, he’s the one who’s making the decisions. He should know that no one can live like this. He shouldn’t be asking this of us.”

“But what can I do?” he asked.

“Ask him for a break. Tell him you need some time off. It’s not like he’s paying you, he shouldn’t refuse.”

“I don’t know,” he said, his brow furrowing. “There’s a lot going on right now, he’s going to want everyone on board.”

I hesitated. I knew, suddenly, what the answer was, but I hated to say it. I didn’t like ultimatums when really it wasn’t his fault. But I had to say it. Martha and Mum had been right. It was the only way.

“Well, then, if that’s the case then you’re going to have to make a decision,” I said finally, bracing myself to speak the hardest words I would ever say. I couldn’t even look at him when I said them, I looked at the wall instead, so I didn’t have to see his face, and so he couldn’t see my heart breaking. “You have to choose. The war, or me.”

****

A week later, I looked around at the bedroom I had grown up in, the one I had moved out of only a few months previously. I had thought I’d never live here again. I had thought my life would be in London, with Sirius. I had been wrong.

Intellectually, I knew it had been the right decision. What I’d had in London wasn’t a life. It was barely even an existence. Even in the few days I’d been home, in my parents’ house, I’d settled down remarkably. It was amazing what a difference a bit of company, and less worry, could make.

In my heart, though, it was the worst possible thing I could have done. I hated myself for leaving him, for putting him in that position and making him choose. I hated myself for breaking his heart as well as my own. And I hated myself for not coping better. Every time I thought of him I couldn’t stop the tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

As for less worry, well it wasn’t that I wasn’t worried. I would always worry about him, I realised. He would always be off fighting and, even if it was from a distance, I’d be hoping he made it through in one piece. What had changed was it wasn’t the only thing I was thinking about. Yes, I cried myself to sleep, and yes, he had left a hole in my heart I was convinced would never be filled, but he was no longer my responsibility.

“How are you coping?” Mum asked at breakfast.

“Not very well. But at least I’m eating.” This was true, too, my plate was almost empty. Yes, I’d only had toast, but it was more than I would have had if I’d been at the flat in London.

She gave me a hug. “Well, that’s one improvement, at least.”

I burst into tears suddenly, unable to keep them in. “I miss him so much,” I said. “I don’t know if this really is better, you know?”

“If it’s any consolation, I think you did the right thing,” she said quietly. “It’s hard, I know. But the effect it was having on you was hard to take.” She paused. “And maybe, if the war ends, you can pick it up again.”

I nodded tearfully. “If he’s still alive. And if he still wants me.”

“I’m sure he’ll still want you,” she said. “He really does love you.”

“Then why did he choose the war?” I asked. “If he loved me that much, why wouldn’t he give it up for me?”

“Because he wants the world to be safe for you. He good as told us that.”

I took a sip of the tea she had poured me. “I’ll never be that happy again. I know that much. It’s not possible.” I put the cup down and looked at her. “And really, what’s the point? If I know the best part of my life has already been?”

“You’re not going to like me saying this,” she said, “but try not to think about it. That part of your life has been. You’ve got years and years still to look forward to.”

“But not with him,” I pointed out bitterly. “He was what made it worthwhile.”

“Well, maybe it will be with him,” she said. “But don’t rely on that. Think about everything else you’ve got in your life. Focus on that.”

I didn’t like it, but she did have a point. Life without Sirius, as impossible as it sounded, was what was in front of me. I just had to accept that.

“Okay,” I said after a pause. “I’ll try.” And I went upstairs to my room, lit a candle, and stood by the window.

“Goodbye, Sirius,” I said tearfully. “I love you, and I’ll miss you. But this is the end, I have to move on.” I paused, not even trying to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks, and took a breath. “Good luck out there. Take down as many Death Eaters as you can. But don’t think of me. I’m not there for you any more.”

I blew out the candle. The flame, like that part of my life, was extinguished. The door was closed. Maybe it would open again, but probably not. I would move on.

****

A minute later, Bea stuck her head around the door. “You okay?”

I smiled through my tears – explaining this to her seemed too much like hard work. “Yeah, sure.”

“You’re upset, aren’t you,” she said, coming into my room and plonking herself down unceremoniously on the bed. “You’re wondering if you made the right decision.”

I nodded, surprised she was this perceptive. “That’s exactly what I’m doing. But it has to be like this, really, I do get that. It’s just … hard.”

She nodded, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze. “I thought it might be. Which is why I thought I’d come in and offer to take your mind off it for a little while.”

I stared at her. “Take my mind off it?” The very idea seemed impossible, the concept so alien I had trouble understanding what she meant.

“Absolutely,” she said staunchly. “Since neither of us are working today, I thought you might like a day at Barry Island. My shout.”

I kept staring. Barry Island was a Muggle amusement park, just over the border into Wales. It was something I would never have even thought of doing, but she was right – it would take my mind off things for a while, and it was somewhere that would have absolutely no memories of Sirius. Finally, after thinking about it for a little while, I smiled.

“Thanks, Bea,” I said, not even having to fake my gratitude. “That’d be great. When can we leave?”


End file.
